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how can i get closer and be further away from the truth? [entries|friends|calendar]
[stephen]

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if you ever wanted to know me... [17 Jun 2008|04:54am]
Capricorn is one of the most stable and (mostly) serious of the zodiacal types. These independent, rocklike characters have many sterling qualities. They are normally confident [sans anxiety, sure], strong willed [helllllooo] and calm [again, when i'm not crazy anxious]. These hardworking, unemotional [HEY!], shrewd, practical, responsible, persevering, and cautious to the extreme persons, are capable of persisting for as long as is necessary to accomplish a goal they have set for themselves. They are reliable workers in almost any profession they undertake. They are the major finishers of most projects started by the 'pioneering' signs; with firm stick-to-it-ness they quickly become the backbone of any company they work for.

Capricornians make of themselves, resourceful, determined managers; setting high standards for themselves and others. They strive always for honesty in their criticism of self, they respect discipline from above and demand it from those beneath them. In their methodical, tough, stubborn, unyielding way, they persist against personal hardship, putting their families and/or their work before their own needs and welfare to reach their objectives long after others have given up and fallen by the wayside. In fact when practical ability allied with the drive of ambition are required in employees to make a project succeed, Capricornians are the people to hire. They plan carefully to fulfill their ambitions (which often include becoming wealthy), they are economical without meanness, and able to achieve great results with minimum effort and expense. Because of their organizing ability they are able to work on several projects simultaneously.

They have a great respect for authority [????] but may not, if they reach high rank, be willing to listen to other opinions on things they are directly responsible for. As the ranking authority figure in a given situation they expect their underlings to be as self disciplined as they themselves are, and to perform every task undertaken to the highest standard. They are, nevertheless, fair as well as demanding. Among their equals they are not always the most pleasant of work fellows for they are reserved and too conservative, valuing tradition more than innovation  [????], however valuable the latter, and they are often humorless. There is also a tendency to pessimism, melancholy and even unhappiness which many Capricornians are unable to keep to themselves, especially if they fail personally. In the extreme this trait can make them a very depressed individual; ecstatic happiness alternating with the most wretched kind of misery which is so subconsciously buried that he or she should seek help if such emotions become frequent. For the above reason, capable Capricorn should spend many hours in meditation, gathering the strength to control such inner emotions.

The swings in mood are not the only reason some Capricornians deserve the adjective based on their name - capricious. They can be surprisingly and suddenly witty and subtle for the quiet, reserved individuals they seem to be, and they also have a tendency to ruin things by unexpected and utterly irresponsible bouts of flippancy. In certain individuals in whom the characteristic is strong, the temptation to do this has to be resisted with iron self-control. Another unexpected quality in some Capricornians is an interest in the occult which persists in spite of their naturally skeptical turn of mind.

Their intellects are sometimes very subtle. They think profoundly and deeply, throughly exploring all possibilities before deciding on a 'safe' alternative. They have good memories and an insatiable yet methodical desire for knowledge. They are rational, logical and clearheaded, have good concentration, delight in debate in which they can show off their cleverness by luring their adversaries into traps and confounding them with logic.

In their personal relationships they are often ill-at-ease, if not downright unhappy. They are somewhat self-centered but not excessively so, wary and cautious around people they do not know very well, preferring not to meddle with others and in turn not to allow interference with themselves, thus they tend to attract people who do not understand them. Casual acquaintances they will treat with diplomacy, tact and, above all, reticence. They make few good friends but are intensely loyal to those they do make, and they can become bitter, and powerful enemies. They sometimes dislike the opposite sex and test the waters of affection gingerly before judging the temperature right for marriage. Once married, however, they are faithful, though inclined to jealousy. Most Capricornians marry for life.

Their occupations can include most professions that have to do with math or money and they are strongly attracted to music. They can be economists, financiers, bankers, speculators, contractors, managers and real estate brokers. They excel as bureaucrats, especially where projects demanding long-term planning and working are concerned, and their skill in debate and love of dialectic make them good politicians. They are excellent teachers, especially as principals of educational establishments where they have the authority to manage and organize without too much intimacy with the staff members. If working with their hands, they can become practical scientists, engineers, farmers and builders. The wit and flippancy which is characteristic of certain Capricornians may make some turn to entertainment as a career.
distance has no way of making love understandable

just a glimpse. [10 Nov 2007|12:34pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

It’s such a trite notion to express, but I can’t help but feel like this semester (and it’s not even over yet) has changed me yet again.  Now, that isn’t to say such a mental transformation wouldn’t have taken place elsewhere; to be quite honest, it probably would have.  Though I don’t feel like a completely different person, certain mindsets have definitely become more concrete and, at the very least, I know quite a bit more about myself than I did coming in.

But, man, I’m almost twenty years old.  Twenty.  That thought is simply frightening.  Twenty, and nothing to show for it: no great accomplishments, no deep romance.  Nothing beyond myself.

It’s not I don’t believe in some beautiful idea of love, for that would be ludicrous.  Our society is immersed in love, regardless of whether or not that is always something visible.  I’m just not viewing as a (current) possibility for me.  As much as I can objectively analyze the relationships of virtually everyone around me, I can’t for the life of me figure out what I’m doing wrong.

No, wait, perhaps that’s a lie.  Or a half-truth, to be more accurate.  I guess I could easily delineate personal facets that I consider to be repulsive: my constant sarcasm; my need to overthink things; my excessive arguing, both good-natured and bad; I’m not gonna go on.

To be lame and quote Tool, “Overthinking, overanalyzing separates the body from the mind.”  Perhaps that’s the driving factor here: too much thought leading to inaction.  And, yet, even when it comes down to action, I’m such a foreigner to the way to go about things.

Maybe I’m just haunted by the fact that I can’t figure my own sexuality out.

Maybe I'm appalled that I just wrote that.

Maybe I’m Amazed. *

Maybe I’m done.



* - Paul McCartney, not an actual thought.

distance has no way of making love understandable

seriously, though. [25 Aug 2007|05:40pm]
"Is this love of ours a lie?
Is it killing me alive?
Is this love of ours a lie?
Is it chemically derived to ascertain
And sequester the pain?
Is this love of ours a lie?"
- The Unicorns
1 found radio cures // distance has no way of making love understandable

they said it... [25 Aug 2007|02:15am]
"Is this it?
Is this it?
Is this it?"
- The Strokes.
distance has no way of making love understandable

Unfinished. [22 Jun 2007|11:29am]
Wednesday, June 20th. I haven't smoked a cigarette in 5 days, and maybe I'm okay with that. As coincidence (not fate) would have it, it was perhaps the most stressful week possible, making it all the more difficult to quit. All in all, I'm glad I can exhibit will-power somewhere, and that I'm being a bit healthier.

Why, you might ask? Who's pressuring me? NO ONE. It was a decision I randomly made entirely on my own. If I had to point a finger at something, Six Feet Under would take the blame for this. Three seasons in, I had seen a countless number of scripted deaths, and it suddenly hit me that I'm mortal. I've always tried to live according to some existential view of life, and I'd thought that mortality was a concept I was at ease with: apparently not. Perhaps this breakthrough will allow further mental progress. Perhaps. Or perhaps it's meaningless. We shall see.

NATE: Chinese checkers. Always hated that game.
NATHANIEL SR.: That's because you've never played it for money. Nate, why don't you meet a couple of friends of mine? Uh, this [indicates slickly-dressed middle-aged man], well, this is the man. Death. The Grim Reaper.
DEATH: Cigar?
NATE: Uh, no thanks.
WOMAN: [fleshy black woman dressed as a television psychic] Good for you, baby. That stuff is nasty!
NATHANIEL SR.: And, uh, this, well, this is --
DEATH: My partner.
LIFE: Oooh! That sounds so professional! I love it!
DEATH: Life.
NATE: [incredulous] Shut up!
LIFE: Oh, yeah. It's a whole yin-yang thing!
NATE: You telling me you two are in business together?
LIFE: [laughing] Honey, me and him are in all kinds of shit together!
DEATH: Let's just say it's a mutually beneficial arrangement.
-- Six Feet Under (Season 2, Episode 1, "In the Game")


[So, I never finished this.  And weeks later, I can just unlock it.  Unfinished.  How typical of me.]
distance has no way of making love understandable

[31 May 2007|10:23pm]
[ mood | angry ]

"So I guess this is where I tell you what I learned - my conclusion, right? Well, my conclusion is: Hate is baggage. Life's too short to be pissed off all the time. It's just not worth it." - Danny Vinyard, American History X


distance has no way of making love understandable

smoke another one, your chances are slim. [15 May 2007|02:19am]
[ mood | lethargic ]

Livejournal. Wow. Back to my roots. Regardless of how many things used to infuriate me about this site, I can still dig the clean layout (compared to, say, Xanga, where I lurked around for quite some time). I'd forgotten all about this account, and that I'd deleted every angst-ridden post I'd written prior to May 2005. And the ones from that point forward -- the two that remained, that is -- are now gone forever as well. Ashes to ashes, digital dust to digital dust.

So, here I am, back on Long Island. What it boils down to is that, though I wasn't completely satisfied with Boston, it was certainly a step up from what I've been thrust back into. I'm missing a lot of things, but most of all the freedom of living (mostly) on my own and constantly being in the company of people that I care about, family notwithstanding. Instantly, I have been reminded of why I wanted to leave in the first place. Three and a half months of this torture left. Perhaps it will pick up, though I doubt it... unless, of course, I can meet some people (which would happen at a job, which would require me to get one, which would mean I have to stop being so lethargic (god, I like parenthetical notes)).

Freshman year was a trip to say the least: to say that I changed would simply be a massive understatement. I can, in all honesty, say that I have returned as a completely different person. Sure, I'm a bit more jaded, but I have learned oh so much about others and about myself. I couldn't even begin to enumerate said metamorphoses. Maybe everyone feels this way after their first year. I don't know.

Not everything, however, worked out for the best. Overall, I feel more lost than ever. I decided within the first semester that audio was not my major, despite the fact that I never had any experience with said major. Film is now what I think I'd like to do; but even that leads to yet another question, that of what I should concentrate on. Screenwriting? Editing? Directing? Do I even want to stay at Emerson?

Ideally, this summer will send me in the right direction, but there's always the chance that it will not. The underlying depression that seemed to set in second semester only intensified when I returned home. Never before had I been that low for such long periods of time, to the point where I felt destructive and insane and all of those lovely things. Driving around alone on Jericho Turnpike at odd hours of the night (morning? post-midnight), I'm left to my own thoughts and internal monologues and, well, ... I don't know what to say about that. Hopefully these things will subside. I don't know what to do if they do not.

In the meantime, I have GOT to find ways of keeping myself occupied. Aside from a select few, friends seem to be unreliable yet again, so that isn't a stable thing. My acoustic, which finally has its own stand, mocks me from the corner of my room. Doubly annoying is the fact that it's positioned next to a framed Built to Spill poster, which I have yet to hang up, as if to say "you'll never be that good." Or any good, for that matter. I'll try to try again, though. Perhaps set some goals, time-wise. I've also been trying to read again everyday, and when my dad orders Netflix, I'll catch up on all of the cinematic masterpieces I've missed out on. Until then, I'll keep myself occupied with some shows I've been downloading (Sopranos, Six Feet Under, UK version of The Office, Pete & Pete, Weeds, Planet Earth hell yeah!). And probably boring a non-existent audience with this drivel. Oh! Maybe attempting a screenplay.

That's that. G'night, folks.

distance has no way of making love understandable

"alone with everybody," charles bukowski. [14 May 2007|08:59pm]
[ mood | bored ]

the flesh covers the bone
and they put a mind
in there and
sometimes a soul,
and the women break
vases against the walls
and the men drink too
much
and nobody finds the
one
but keep
looking
crawling in and out
of beds.
flesh covers
the bone and the
flesh searches
for more than
flesh.

there's no chance
at all:
we are all trapped
by a singular
fate.

nobody ever finds
the one.

the city dumps fill
the junkyards fill
the madhouses fill
the hospitals fill
the graveyards fill

nothing else
fills.

distance has no way of making love understandable

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